Hard Things Can Be Loving Things Too

For my entire adult life I have worked with youth.  Through church assignments, Boy Scouting or community involvement my life's work seems to be lifting and building youth.  My only qualifications would seem to be that I still have bouts with acne and I still have not fully relinquished my hold on my adolescence.

Prior to my calling as the bishop of a young single adult congregation I served the youth in my church overseeing the activities and the adult and youth leaders of eight church congregations.  I was also serving in the Boy Scouting program as a district leader providing training and support for 238 Scouting units (Cub Scout Packs, Boy Scout Troops, Varsity Teams and Venturing Crews) with a commissioner staff of over 90 volunteers and a "Roundtable" training staff of 12 trainers.  Not knowing what the demands would be in my new calling I backed off in my activity with the Scouting program.

In many ways my focus in my current calling as bishop has simplified my life.  It has also given me a great blessing of faith and strength that I could not have foreseen I would need in meeting the needs of energetic, searching, testing, hopeful young single adults as well heart-deep concerns for the evolving dynamics and personal, educational and spiritual struggles of my family.

However, I still get calls and feel the yearning tugs of purpose-driven desires to contribute to a larger circle of influence using what talents or knowledge I have nurtured over my life.  In December I was asked if I would serve as the master of ceremonies for the kick-off assembly for the 100 year anniversary of the Boy Scouting movement to be conducted on the state capitol steps the first Saturday in February.  I called on long-time friend, Lawrence Wasden, Attorney General of the State of Idaho, to address the crowd of uniformed Boy Scouts and their leaders that spilled out into the road in front of the capitol building.  The event was a success and the warm expressions of appreciation were self-satisfying.

Recently, a friend in the stake or region in which I live had asked if I'd help with training for the leaders of 11-year-old boys.  It would not be a huge affair but would entail a Friday evening and Saturday morning commitment with marginal preparation on my part.  I would love to.  But before doing so my personal commitment to Jana is to discuss it with her to gain her support and request her feedback.

I asked Jana over breakfast this morning.  It is easy to read Jana's opinions at times.  Being a drama major for her Associates Degree, she doesn't tend to hide her feelings.  But her verbal response was brief.

"Once they hear you are available for Scouting programs again the phone won't stop ringing."

As I had brought the subject up at the conclusion of breakfast, this was Jana's only comment before her getting up to finish getting ready for work.

I sat and finished my breakfast, torn a bit between two priorities: my life's purpose in working with youth and my eternal purpose in building a celestial relationship with Jana.  In black and white the decision seems obvious.  But, when you mix it with the feelings of emotion and satisfaction and purpose and contribution and praise and pride, it becomes a little harder to balance.  Life's decisions are not always between good and bad.  In fact, I believe the defining decisions that will make the greatest eternal difference will be the decisions between good and good.  They will be the decisions that not only reveal our hearts, but our true desires.

As Jana readied herself for work I didn't feel I understood her real core position. I knew the "what", but I didn't know the "why".  As I continued to sit, finishing my breakfast (I'm a slow breakfast finisher) she came back in and sat down.

"When are you going to get the computers sold?  When are you going to get the dozen things done you say you need to in order to get our business on solid ground?  When will you find the time to help me with the few things I need, like the visual aids for my Relief Society speech?

"To me, your extracurricular activities mean distraction, postponing other needed things; it means time taken away from your work; it means competition for your attention.

"The bishopric means focus; it means balance; it means peace."

"You can choose if you want to help out with that program, but once people learn you are available the calls won't stop."

Now I knew the "why" – the core-deep perceptions that I needed to know.  The "whats" give us a position.  The "whys" give us meaning.

A number of years ago I needed to make a business decision whether or not to hire a young man.  I went back and forth in my mind, trying to justify the expense, the risk, and the dynamic changes it would necessitate.  In the course of my decision making I decided to fast and then went to a place I consider sacred; a place where I could get the insight, the inspiration I needed to make a decision.

I thought long and hard on the matter but soon found a peace settle over me, absorbing the spirit of the experience.  It was then, when my mind was calmed and not pushing, that the clear revelation came.

"Kevin, the 'right' decision is the one you and Jana make together.  The actual decision isn't important; the important thing is how you make it."

Sometimes loving things are hard things.  I needed to know Jana's "whys".  I needed to see her perspective; to see the issue through her eyes.  If I had fixated on the "what" I could very easily become defensive and missed the quiet "I love you" hidden in the "why".

I have absolute faith in Jana's love for me; in her desire that our relationship continue to grow, not only in time, but through eternity.  If I can just manage to keep that faith – no, by now in our relationship I guess it's no longer faith; time and experience have turned my faith in her love into a sure knowledge – if I can just manage to keep that fact fixed in my heart I know I will have the power and the purpose to listen carefully and choose well.

Photos courtesy the Idaho Statesman

http://www.idahostatesman.com/2010/02/09/1073054/scouts-throw-a-birthday-party.html 

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IF YOU WOULD, PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO COMMENT ON ONE OF THE LOVING THINGS, SMALL OR GRAND, THAT YOU HAVE RECEIVED FROM SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU.

Still A Smile in Her Voice After 6:00

Jana grew up with a father who had more peas on his knife than could possibly be swallowed.  She grew up feeling that everything else in his life was more important than her – primarily his work (as a self-employed, one-man chicken farmer) and his church service (as bishop then stake president over a multitude of Mormon congregations in southwest Idaho).  She drew a distinction in his need to provide a living for his family but grew to resent feeling orphaned by his church service.

"When deciding on the qualities I wanted in a husband," she later recounted, "I wanted to marry a man who was kind, lived his religion, honored his priesthood, but would never be a bishop."

After 31 years of marriage I was called to serve as a bishop over a young single adult ward.

The Mormon church does not have a paid ministry.  We all serve in the church when asked or "called" by our priesthood leadership.  We do not seek positions, we do not aspire to callings, we do not apply for station, we do not campaign for office.  We also do not turn down opportunities to serve each other, in whatever capacity and for whatever duration we are called.

I can not begin to explain the depths to which Jana had to reach to find the faith, or at least a glimmer of hope, to support me in this new calling.  The little girl who felt so neglected, unloved and unvalued reemerged, her insecurities and loneliness almost overpowering her.  This was truly a trial of her faith.

I can't say my own history in our marriage has been that much of a solace for her.  I have displayed a tendency to grasp hold of "extra curricular" service, be it Boy Scouts, church callings or a fatherless boy, and spread my time as thinly as a child trying to make a sandwich out of the last scrapings from the peanut butter jar.  Jana didn't have much to build her hope on.  Even so, like the widow's mite, she gave "all her living" to the hope that somehow she would not be lost or forgotten or ignored in my press to magnify my calling and serve those I had been called to shepherd.

As time has rolled on an unexpected "tender mercy" has unfolded.  My call has somehow simplified my life, or at least my thoughts, and has focused me.  It has slowed me down and given me far greater appreciation for Jana, for her strength, for her wisdom, for her patience and for the secure calm that lies at the core of our relationship.

As we began this new journey a year and a half ago, I committed to be home on Sunday evenings by 6:00 with my attention turned to home.  I have not perfected that commitment yet but my success rate continues to improve.

This time of year I am in the middle of the annual end of year "tithing settlement" where I meet with each member of the ward in the course of one month's time in one-on-one interviews.  It is a wonderful, enriching experience as I connect with each member of my ward and simply listen.  The interview's are short but sometimes the course of the conversations require a few extra minutes to allow for individual needs.

Tonight, after having left the house this morning before she was up and after only seeing Jana once across a classroom in one of our meetings, I finished my last interview of the day at about 6:05.  I called Jana to let her know I was finished and was heading home.

With the cheerful lilt to her voice that reveals her native happy personality which I've come to love over the course of 33 years, she replied, "OK. I'll see you in a few minutes."

The melody of her voice and the simplicity and ordinariness of her response belied the arduous journey that has brought her to this place.  Having a knowledge of that journey, what I heard was an ocean-deep loving thing that ripples through my heart and reminds me how blessed I am.
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IF YOU WOULD, PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO COMMENT ON ONE OF THE LOVING THINGS, SMALL OR GRAND, THAT YOU HAVE RECEIVED FROM SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU.