Tire Chains, Wiper Blades and a New Year

I received double value on my loving things this evening.  It being New Years Eve (man, what happened to that year?) we are finalizing Arielle's preparations for college.  We leave tomorrow for Rexburg.  We had some minor, last minute shopping chores to accomplish and so were out and about as the snow was falling, making the roads around town more and more trecherous.

As we slid and skidded along I became more aware of the need to make sure the van is winter-ready.  I have basically good tires but the two front tires are a little more worn that the rear tires.  Also, as the snow fell, I noted my windshield wipers were leaving large streaks across the driver's side of the windshield.  The hour was getting later (after 5:00) and the roads were getting slicker and the news supporting the idea that it could be snowing all the way to Rexburg was leaving me more and more concerned about providing safe passage across the state.

Finally, after our last stop I made a right turn rather than heading straight for home.  Jana, just as tense as I, asked where we were heading.

"Please just trust me."

I just concentrated on driving, with a heading for Big O Tires.  When we got there they were closed already.  It was now 10 minutes before 6:00 and I was concerned about making it to a store where I could take care of the van.  I headed for Schuck's Auto Parts.  As I pulled into the store it was just about 6:00, but they were open.  Jana and Arielle stayed in the van with it running while I ventured inside.

On the driver's side of the windshield there is a low area directly in front of the line of vision.  It has always been hard to find wipers that can actually clear the driver's side of the windshield.  I presented my concern to the middle-aged clerk and he recommended a high end (read "expensive") solution.  I was skeptical of the blade but he was sure it would solve the problem.

I bought the blades and headed out to the car to try them out before leaving the store.  With increasingly freezing fingers I opened the fool-proof packaging of the wiper blades, removed the old ones (how come I can never remember exactly how those cursed things come off) and slipped the new blades into place.  After I got both blades on I got into the car and turned on the wipers.

Swish. Streak. Swish. Streak. With a steady, wet snowfall the new wiper blades left a worse streak than the old ones.  I went inside to get the clerk to show him the problem.  After bundling up he kindly accompanied me outside and now understood the problem.

"Let me get a pair of pliers."

You've got to be kidding.  You want to bend something, thinking that might fix it?  At least, that's what I thought.  I didn't say anything.  Jana and Arielle, meanwhile, stayed in the warm van without a complaint or comment.

Back into the store I went to look at the wiper blade assortment again.  Soon the clerk came back in also.  We tried a different style, then he started figuring out the paperwork to credit me for the difference as he now agreed that the most expensive blades in the store wouldn't do the trick.

"Would it be all right if I gave you the difference back in cash?"

You bet.  Especially after the original bill swelled to $140 with two full sets of chains.  (They say that with a front wheel drive vehicle you need to put the chains on the front AND the rear for safety.  To his credit my clerk had suggested that only one set on the front would be necessary, but I went ahead a bought two anyway.)

Back into the arctic I headed with the new blades, my clerk joining me.  We took the old new blades off and put the new new blades on, again losing feeling in my fingers.  I had found a stocking cap in the back of the van so at least the snow quit falling on my bald spot.

I moved back to the driver's side of the car and turned on the blades.  Swish. Swish. Swish. Swish.  Perfectly clean and clear.  Yay!

I thanked my patient clerk and got in the car to head for home.  The detour and the stop at the auto parts store kept us out for nearly an extra hour.  But I started to feel the knot in my stomach ease a bit, feeling that I was as prepared as possible for a snowy trip to Rexburg in the morning.

That whole time, while I paraded back and forth to the car, trying out wiper blades, Jana and Arielle sat patiently in the car.  As we drove home I thanked them both for their kindness in waiting so long when I knew they'd just like to get home where it was safe and warm and dry, and to keep packing.  Arielle did mention that Jana had found the "evil toy" in her coat pocket which kept her occupied playing solitaire.  Even so, it was a very loving thing, from both Jana and Arielle, to patiently wait while I tried to make sure we had everything that would make me feel secure for tomorrow's drive.

Epilog

As I type this post I here voices and foot steps running back and forth between Arielle's bedroom, the TV room and the living room.  "Arielle, did you pack your ...?"  "Mom, where's my ...?"  They must be getting close because I also hear the sound of the tape gun sealing boxes.

Another 40 minutes and it will be 2010: a new year and a new life, for Arielle and for Jana and I.  What an adventure!
____________________

IF YOU WOULD, PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO COMMENT ON ONE OF THE LOVING THINGS, SMALL OR GRAND, THAT YOU HAVE RECEIVED FROM SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU.

Being Lifted While Attempting to Lift

It's been a busy week – a week that has demanded a lot of emotional energy.   My brother-in-law, Noel's, passing was followed by his funeral, contrasting the soul-tugging sadness of losing a good friend and brother, with the joys and satisfaction of spending time, laughing and hugging choice family members as we reuned.

In church I'm still working on interviewing each member of my little ward plus each night this week we have a meeting or an activity scheduled.  Tonight it was a meeting.

There is a young man in my ward who I have known and worked with for over 5 years.  He is a great young man and we have enjoyed a wonderful and close relationship.  But for the past year he has been struggling intensely.  He has been living out of town but recently he moved back home with his parents to ease some financial obligations while attending school.  During my meeting tonight I couldn't get him out of my mind so I decided I needed to stop in and see him on my way home.

After the meeting was over I said "Hi" to a couple people then quickly headed for my car to get to his house.  As I turned on to the main boulevard I saw a car, with it's flashers blinking, stopped in the center turn lane of the road.  I also saw the shadow of a man standing, looking under the hood.

"I'm sure he's all right, and if he needs help someone will stop in just a minute," I rationalized as I passed.  But the Spirit wouldn't let me leave it alone so a block later I made a U-turn and pulled in behind him in the turn lane, my own flashers marking a counterpoint to his.

"What seems to be the problem?"

"I'm not sure.  I heard a snap and then it sounded like I was dragging something so I stopped, but I don't see anything wrong"

"Where were you headed?"

"To Meridian.  But I live just down this street a couple blocks so it looks like we won't be going to Meridian tonight."

I learned the young man's name was Carlos Lopez.  I now noticed his young wife was in the car watching us.  She got behind the steering wheel and we pushed the car off the busy road onto the side street.  They assured me they would be all right and profusely thanked me so I left, headed for my young friend's home.

As I prepared to turn onto the street where my young man lived I noticed the car in front of me turned onto the street as well.  When they pulled into the driveway I realized it was his parents who had been at the same meeting I had just left.

I pulled up to the curb, after their car disappeared into the garage, noting that their son's car wasn't in the driveway.  I went ahead and walked up to the door and rang the doorbell, giving them enough time to get in the house from the garage.  The parents are good friends of Jana's and mine and the husband answered the door, immediately inviting me in.

"I came to visit your son but I don't see his car in the driveway."

"No, he's not home right now, but come on in and sit down for a few minutes."

As we sat down his wife joined us and I started asking questions about how their son was doing.  "He's struggling."  With that she started sharing what was going on. We talked for probably three quarters of an hour; pain, concern and worry threaded its way throughout the conversation.  I shared some similar empathetic feelings I've experienced lately and some thoughts I've had that have helped me.

Finally, I thanked them for allowing me to come and intrude upon their evening.

"Do you think it would be all right for us to pray together before I go?"

"Absolutely.  We'd like that."

After our prayer I thanked them again, hugged them both and left, feeling lifted, buoyed and at peace.

I had not realized that, even though I thought it was the young man I needed to visit, it was actually the parents, and in the process we were all filled together.  Had I not been prompted to stop and attempt to help a stranded motorist, I would have knocked at an empty house and left, missing a truly loving thing this evening.

I was concerned that it was pretty late and I had not called Jana to let her know where I was.  When I came in the house I went straight to the bedroom where I knew I'd find her to let her know I was home.  Without any evidence of feeling upset she listened intently as I told her about my evening.  I then asked her about her evening and she shared how she and our daughter had been shopping and running errands, having a pleasant time.  (As my daughter and her friend would shop, Jana would sit in the car, blissfully reading.  This, I think, would be the perfect version of a shopping trip for Jana.)

Jana's patience, understanding and trust was a very loving thing tonight, allowing me to follow quiet promptings.  My evening was also a very loving thing offered by a very loving God Who lifts us as we attempt to lift others, thus allowing us all to rise together.
____________________

IF YOU WOULD, PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO COMMENT ON ONE OF THE LOVING THINGS, SMALL OR GRAND, THAT YOU HAVE RECEIVED FROM SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU.

Don't Die Before Your Body Expires

Every once in awhile life asserts itself to let us know that we are not really owners of our mortal lives.  Rather we are merely leasing our time on earth.

My brother-in-law, my friend, Noel, passed away two days ago after a three day affliction where his body simply started to shut down.  Having suffered with muscular dystrophy for the past 8 years his actual passing had to offer him intense relief, even though that is not what caused his death.

Noel is one of those rare individuals blessed with unending compassion, kindness and love.  His was the gift of acceptance: of accepting others where they were, but leaving them elevated to a new place of hope and possibility.

Times like these snap our attention to those things that matter most; the pettiness that the majority of our waking hours are concerned with slip temporarily away as we ponder our own mortality.

In the midst of the goings and comings of the past couple days – the normal busyness that characterizes our current life – Jana and I found a moment to sit on the couch together for a few minutes last night.  We sat huddled at one end taking up occupancy to only 2 1/2' of our 6' couch.  Without looking up she quietly said, "Don't die."

Though we don't know the allotted days of our mortal probation we do have a choice over the quality, if not the quantity, of our lives.  The key seems to be the realization that we don't have much control over the things that act upon us.  But we have absolute control over how we respond to them.

Far too many people will die this year ... long before their bodies expire.  They will die to adventure, to improvement, to learning, to serving, to contributing, to laughing, to dancing, to giving, to love.  And the truly sad thing is that many of these deaths will be suicides.  In Jana's quiet plea, "Don't die", she was sounding from the oceans-deep floor of her soul her most loving thing.  She was saying, "Let's continue laughing, learning, singing, dancing, serving, giving, living and loving for a very long time.

I promise her I will continue living every day. I promise I will not die before my body expires.  I promise I will not die at all but will continue laughing, learning, singing, dancing, serving, giving, living and loving long after my body has been discarded for not keeping up with my spirit.  I promise I will continue living and loving her eternally.
____________________

IF YOU WOULD, PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO COMMENT ON ONE OF THE LOVING THINGS, SMALL OR GRAND, THAT YOU HAVE RECEIVED FROM SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU.

Empty Nests and Newlywedded Wonders

Jana and I were married a little less than two years before our son was born.  We had a wonderful time getting to know each other, spoiling ourselves in spontaneity: like nudging each other at 11:00 at night and saying, "Let's go to Denny's and get some pie."

When our son arrived, yes, there were a lot of new things – new experiences, new routines, new responsibilities – but I don't really remember the immediate loss of spontaneity.  There were just so many newnesses going on that the spontaneity just seemed to fade ... not only in existence, but in importance as well.  Maybe it was just part of my expectation of what it meant to be a "father".  Or maybe it wasn't the spontaneity but my memory that has faded.

But to Jana it seemed to be more immediate and evident.  When Aaron was still a toddler I remember Jana saying, "I can hardly wait until our children are grown and we can be alone together again."

In retrospect it must have been this view, a longing for that too-brief Eden of innocence and wonder in our lives, that has compelled Jana to always be aware of the health of our relationship.  Over the years she has often commented, "We'd better remember how to have fun together because when the kids are gone I want to be able to like you."

I love having my children around, and specifically at home.  When Jana would say "I can hardly wait until they are grown," I would think, "Well, I can wait!  I don't want to rush it."

Our "baby" will be headed for college in three weeks.  It seems once our children leave, they never really come home again.  They may come for periods of time  – like between semesters or for a time after missions – but never really to stay.  And that's as it should be.  And that's what we've raised them to do.  And that's the proper sequence of their lives.  But that doesn't mean I have to like it.

Even so, in Jana's mantra, "I can hardly wait", if I listen beyond my own reluctance I hear the unmistakable message that she likes me; she seems to like being around me (most of the time).  Her constant pulse-taking in our relationship is to assure the health of our friendship.

Two evenings ago Jana was on the phone with her sister and brother-in-law.  In the course of their conversation Richard asked, "Are you ready for the 'empty nest'?  Do you think you'll be able to stand each other?'"

To which Jana replied, "Oh, we have no problem there."

Many of the loving things I have noted in my posts are the simple, common things that can so easily go unnoticed.  But this loving thing is a LOVING THING!  It is the result of 31 years of on-purpose nurturing of precious relations; of countless recoveries after meaningless divides; of numerous forgivenesses for thoughtless acts; of determined decisions for celestial bonds.

"We have no problem there" is really a declaration of an intermediate victory in our relationship.  It is an ensign of our shared desire to continue enjoying each others' company as our love, companionship and friendship deepens and compounds.  "We have no problem there" is truly a loving thing.

So, with measured anticipation, I look forward to the "empty nest", relying on Jana's enthusiasm to soothe me into relaxing my grip on the season I'm leaving behind.  And let the spontaneity of newlywedded wonder return, only now with an audience of heirs with which to share our adventures.
____________________

IF YOU WOULD, PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO COMMENT ON ONE OF THE LOVING THINGS, SMALL OR GRAND, THAT YOU HAVE RECEIVED FROM SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU.

Still A Smile in Her Voice After 6:00

Jana grew up with a father who had more peas on his knife than could possibly be swallowed.  She grew up feeling that everything else in his life was more important than her – primarily his work (as a self-employed, one-man chicken farmer) and his church service (as bishop then stake president over a multitude of Mormon congregations in southwest Idaho).  She drew a distinction in his need to provide a living for his family but grew to resent feeling orphaned by his church service.

"When deciding on the qualities I wanted in a husband," she later recounted, "I wanted to marry a man who was kind, lived his religion, honored his priesthood, but would never be a bishop."

After 31 years of marriage I was called to serve as a bishop over a young single adult ward.

The Mormon church does not have a paid ministry.  We all serve in the church when asked or "called" by our priesthood leadership.  We do not seek positions, we do not aspire to callings, we do not apply for station, we do not campaign for office.  We also do not turn down opportunities to serve each other, in whatever capacity and for whatever duration we are called.

I can not begin to explain the depths to which Jana had to reach to find the faith, or at least a glimmer of hope, to support me in this new calling.  The little girl who felt so neglected, unloved and unvalued reemerged, her insecurities and loneliness almost overpowering her.  This was truly a trial of her faith.

I can't say my own history in our marriage has been that much of a solace for her.  I have displayed a tendency to grasp hold of "extra curricular" service, be it Boy Scouts, church callings or a fatherless boy, and spread my time as thinly as a child trying to make a sandwich out of the last scrapings from the peanut butter jar.  Jana didn't have much to build her hope on.  Even so, like the widow's mite, she gave "all her living" to the hope that somehow she would not be lost or forgotten or ignored in my press to magnify my calling and serve those I had been called to shepherd.

As time has rolled on an unexpected "tender mercy" has unfolded.  My call has somehow simplified my life, or at least my thoughts, and has focused me.  It has slowed me down and given me far greater appreciation for Jana, for her strength, for her wisdom, for her patience and for the secure calm that lies at the core of our relationship.

As we began this new journey a year and a half ago, I committed to be home on Sunday evenings by 6:00 with my attention turned to home.  I have not perfected that commitment yet but my success rate continues to improve.

This time of year I am in the middle of the annual end of year "tithing settlement" where I meet with each member of the ward in the course of one month's time in one-on-one interviews.  It is a wonderful, enriching experience as I connect with each member of my ward and simply listen.  The interview's are short but sometimes the course of the conversations require a few extra minutes to allow for individual needs.

Tonight, after having left the house this morning before she was up and after only seeing Jana once across a classroom in one of our meetings, I finished my last interview of the day at about 6:05.  I called Jana to let her know I was finished and was heading home.

With the cheerful lilt to her voice that reveals her native happy personality which I've come to love over the course of 33 years, she replied, "OK. I'll see you in a few minutes."

The melody of her voice and the simplicity and ordinariness of her response belied the arduous journey that has brought her to this place.  Having a knowledge of that journey, what I heard was an ocean-deep loving thing that ripples through my heart and reminds me how blessed I am.
____________________

IF YOU WOULD, PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO COMMENT ON ONE OF THE LOVING THINGS, SMALL OR GRAND, THAT YOU HAVE RECEIVED FROM SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU.