Launchpad

As empty nesters my wife and I have created a predictable, functional morning routine that gets our day started.  We begin by going to the local rec center bright and early to open the eyes and get the blood pumping.  When we get home Jana showers while I read the scriptures.  I then cook breakfast for us.

After our morning prayer we eat breakfast and read the scriptures together.  She then heads for the bedroom to read the paper while I wash the dishes and clean up the kitchen.  Together we drive to her bus stop where she catches a commuter bus to work.

The other morning Jana, as she sat on the bus bench while I stood keeping an eye out for the bus, turned to me, pulled aside the hood of her pink winter coat with her bemittened hand and said, "I sure appreciate your driving me to the bus every morning.  It just helps me start my day in a happy way.  You're my launchpad.  You launch me into my day."

What a sweet thing to say.  That made me feel loved and appreciated.  It motivates me to keep doing it, every day.  It's little, unexpected loving things like that, unrequested and often undeserved, that make a marriage – and any valued relationship – one that encourages us to try a little harder to give a little more, to be a little more and to love a little more each day.  I know it does for me.

Ring My Chimes

We had our annual Christmas family night Monday with all the cousins in the area.  There must have been over 50 of us, half under that age of 12 I'm sure.  It's something we all look forward to each year.  It was noisy and rowdy and fun and loud and endearing and a joy.  It's one of those family traditions, started by  my wife's parents many years ago, that keeps us close as an extended family.

Before the evening my dear sister-in-law, LD, had asked if I would lead the children in our traditional bell-ringing Christmas carols.  LD has some colored bells and several years ago made color-coded Christmas carol charts that we can follow and play.  It's one of the things we all look forward to and everyone, young and not, loves to have a turn.

The trick is to corral the youngest bell-carolers in learning how to ring the right-colored bell, at the right time, without pulling on the spring-suspended clappers and not just ringing them continuously.  It's sort of like … well, … like giving a child a bell and telling her not to ring it.

We all had a grand, noisy time and, being that all the children, grandchildren and cousins are above average, they did an amazing job … and we even could hear bits of Christmas melodies ringing amidst the noise.

On the way home Jana and I were alone in the car.  "That was fun.  You did a really great job in controlling the kids and letting them have fun at the same time."   I thanked her. It WAS fun.

After many years of marriage there is a tendency to become so comfortable with your spouse that you don't always acknowledge his or her efforts or deeds or actions (at least not the positive ones).  It is no small thing to keep recognizing your spouse's contributions without keeping a "compliment score".  I am so grateful for Jana's kindness in letting me know when I do things good – or do good things.  It lifts my confidence and makes me even more appreciative of the many "loving things" she constantly does that keep our marriage growing.  She rings my chimes.

(Thanks Lexie for sharing the photos.)

CAUTION - Space Needed

My daughter's home from college for a quick week between semesters.  It's always a joy to have her home and really catch up on her successes of the finished semester.

However, during this visit she needs some "get away" time; time to back off and catch some perspective on her personal life.   She's had a relationship this semester that's been left a little in limbo that she needs some space to process.

After church today Jana invited a friend over who is particularly gifted at helping people gain perspective.  Even though Jana and I have talked with our daughter over the phone over the past few weeks on the issue, and even though we had a good conversation together last night (at the moment she feels safe enough in our relationships to talk to us about these issues openly) Jana felt she needed another perspective to give her peace.

After dinner I was starting on the dishes (I still do dishes by hand, old school) and "the girls" had settled in the living room and were chatting.  As I stood at the sink up to my elbows in Joy dish soap, Jana came in and gave me an unsolicited hug.  That's always nice.  Then she whispered, "We've got some girl talk going on."

To quote A. A. Milne in talking about Winnie the Pooh, "Being a bear of very little brain...", I thought for just a moment, then the light came on, "Oh, you'd like for me not to join you?"

"Yes," she replied lovingly.

I"m the kind of dad who, being interested in his kids lives, would have invited myself to join them after I finished the dishes -- "girl talk" doesn't frighten or bore me.   But thanks to Jana's awareness and sensitivity, she quietly, discretely gave me a gentle suggestion that space was needed.

I consider it a loving thing when she just gently let me know what was needed.  Otherwise I would have felt rejected and devalued for being left out or unwanted in this little piece of my daughter's life.  I'm thankful for my wife's sensitive awareness.  Now I can write it down and feel loved in the process.

After the 'Thank You'

Last night was a late night.  I stayed up until after 2:00 trying to finish a project I've been working on for a couple weeks that I just needed to get out.  After having been up until 2:30 the night before I was a worn out when I dragged myself to bed.

This morning I never heard Jana get up, shower or get ready for work.  We always have breakfast together but this morning I slept right through it.

When I finally awoke she was already gone to work.  I got up, said, "Forget the Rec Center", showered, had breakfast and went to work.  My first item of business?  Send Jana an email:

Sorry I missed you this morning.  But I did get the booklet finished at 2 this morning.  Anyway,  I love you.  Can I join you for lunch?  Kevin

Her reply?

Yes, I would love that.

When my alarm went off (I have to set a computer alarm to catch my attention when I have an appointment, otherwise I get busy and time just ceases to exist) I fixed my lunch and headed for the hospital where Jana works.

I walked in her door just as she was walking out.  We headed for the hospital cafeteria.  We just chatted about what we had each been doing this morning and why a check in the checkbook had been added to the checking balance rather than being subtracted (creating a $400 unexpected shortage) and confirming that it had been fixed.

All too soon the half hour was over and it was time to walk back to the outside building where Jana's office is.  As I walked her to the door she said,

Thank you for coming for lunch.  It really means a lot.

With that loving comment I was transported back 33 years to the conclusion of our first date.  I was a green returned missionary, still very uncomfortable with dating.  Jana was a recent college graduate in her first career job.  I felt so young by comparison and figured she was so worldly wise.

I was especially concerned about walking her to her apartment door after our date, figuring she was so experienced in the ways of romantic protocol.  Do I kiss her (on the first date)?  Do I just say "Thank you for a wonderful evening?"  Do I shake her hand (with which I was the most comfortable after two years as a missionary, keeping young women at arms length)?

Additionally, was there the prospect of a second date?  I liked her and definitely wanted another date.  But how would I know if she did?  Like many men, my confidence when it came to relationships, was a bit fragile.  It had taken four explicit encouragements from friends the night before to finally get me to risk actually calling her and asking her out, even though I had been looking for signs that she might be interested for nearly two months.

Jana eased the tension and reinforced my confidence.

Thank you for a wonderful evening.  Will you ask me out again?

There are those that might scoff at this whole dilemma and my need for reassurance.  But Jana's inspired "Will you ask me out again?" answered all my unasked questions.  It was the question that would determine our combined future.

As I left her at the office door this afternoon, it was, once again, the underscoring assertion after the "thank you" – the added "it really means a lot" – that gave meaning to the message.  The truly loving thing when expressing gratitude just may be the underscoring assertion after the "thank you", for that is the thing that will be remembered and that just may make all the difference.

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IF YOU WOULD, PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO COMMENT ON ONE OF THE LOVING THINGS, SMALL OR GRAND, THAT YOU HAVE RECEIVED FROM SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU.

Toe Tap

What a great week last week was.  Arielle, our college daughter, had completed her first semester of college and was home for a week.  Well, four days anyway.  She actually stayed the first 5 days with her sister in her apartment.  They had a great time together.

This past Monday I loaded up Arielle's freshly cleaned laundry, a case of plastic water bottles refilled with "home water" (she doesn't like the tap water in Rexburg) and a couple boxes of groceries.  We also packed up a young woman who has been in our ward for the past 4 months between semesters. We then headed back for the Spring semester in Rexburg.  She had just one week between semesters.

We got to Boise, about a half hour from home, when Arielle realized she had forgotten the storage tub of flour she was going to take with her.  She learned how to bake bread last Fall and while at school bakes bread every other week.  She does this on Sunday and the first loaf, hot out of the oven, is dedicated to the roommates and they have fresh, hot bread for dinner.  The other two loaves last her two weeks, until it's time to bake bread again.  She has really become quite the good bread cook.

I turned around and headed back home and we picked up the flour.

We originally left at 10:00 am, and left the second time at 11:10, arriving in Rexburg at 4:00.  We unloaded.  I worked on Arielle's computer printer, which hasn't worked all semester, and got it working again.  We then made a grocery run, with one of Arielle's wonderful roommates, Hailee, where Arielle spent $8.00.  After getting the groceries home I left for home, pulling out of the apartment at 6:00 pm.

I called Jana to let her know I was on my way home.  She told me to drive safely and she'd see me in the morning, as she'd be asleep when I got home.

After a couple short stops I pulled in to our driveway at 12:10 am.

I tried to be quiet as I tiptoed through the house, putting things away.

When I got to the bedroom I quietly walked up to the dresser, which is on Jana's side of the bed, and started unloading my pockets.  I felt a soft tap on the back of my left leg and turned to see Jana's foot sticking out from the blankets, tapping me a soft welcome home.


Loving things aren't usually great big things.  They're the little expressions, the quiet connections that speak volumes more than books about love and in a language more eloquent than lyric.  They're the sleepy toe taps that tip 'I love you.  I'm glad you're home.  Good night."

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IF YOU WOULD, PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO COMMENT ON ONE OF THE LOVING THINGS, SMALL OR GRAND, THAT YOU HAVE RECEIVED FROM SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU.

Connection Points

When Jana comes home from work she has a routine.  She grabs the mail out of the mailbox and brings it in with her; she sets her bag down and takes off her coat; she makes a pit stop; then she comes into the office where I work and plops down on the white leather couch that sits in front of my desk.  We then take a few minutes and just visit, generally about the day or how many accounts she processed or an interesting story or whatever comes to mind.  It doesn't really mater what.  It's a few minutes of decompression for her and connection for both of us. 

She will then sometimes go in and take a little nap before dinner.

Tonight, at about 5:30 (I generally work right up until dinner at 6:00), I heard Jana's voice float in from the bedroom,

"When did you eat lunch?"

"At about 2:30.  Oh, I know what that question means."

That question means "I'm just too comfortable here so do I really need to wrestle up some dinner?"  I was trying to finish up a project and get it emailed to a client before I finished my day.  I replied,

"Sweetheart, simple is just fine."

This past year I've changed my eating habits so that meals can be very simple.  Jana precooks the meats on Saturday so during the day I can just pull something out of the refrigerator and heat it up with a salad and veggies for lunch.  In a pinch this also makes preparing our evening meal just as simple.

I noticed a stirring in the bedroom but was focused on finishing my project.  Shortly Jana came walking into the office from the direction of the kitchen.  "Dinner's ready."  I took a few extra minutes to finish sending the project off through cyberspace and met her at the table.

Even though we don't have the kids' days to review any more Jana and I still always seem to have plenty of things to talk about at the dinner table.

After dinner I cleared the table and filled the sink (we still do dishes the old fashioned way) then headed for the bedroom to change clothes for my evening meetings.  When I came out Jana was just finishing up the dishes.  As I collected the notes and things I needed to take with me to my appointments Jana asked, "Would you like a hug?  And how about a kiss to go with it?"

"I'll never turn down a hug AND a kiss!"

It wasn't a "7 second, steamy glasses" kiss but it was just right.  And with that I was ready to slay dragons.

I'm so grateful for those little connection points each day.  They really don't take much time: ten minutes to decompress and reconnect, conversation over dinner, and a hug and a kiss before slaying dragons.  But they are the loving things: the things that make a relationship.  They are the things that remind us that life and love were meant to last beyond the sunsets.
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IF YOU WOULD, PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO COMMENT ON ONE OF THE LOVING THINGS, SMALL OR GRAND, THAT YOU HAVE RECEIVED FROM SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU.

Tire Chains, Wiper Blades and a New Year

I received double value on my loving things this evening.  It being New Years Eve (man, what happened to that year?) we are finalizing Arielle's preparations for college.  We leave tomorrow for Rexburg.  We had some minor, last minute shopping chores to accomplish and so were out and about as the snow was falling, making the roads around town more and more trecherous.

As we slid and skidded along I became more aware of the need to make sure the van is winter-ready.  I have basically good tires but the two front tires are a little more worn that the rear tires.  Also, as the snow fell, I noted my windshield wipers were leaving large streaks across the driver's side of the windshield.  The hour was getting later (after 5:00) and the roads were getting slicker and the news supporting the idea that it could be snowing all the way to Rexburg was leaving me more and more concerned about providing safe passage across the state.

Finally, after our last stop I made a right turn rather than heading straight for home.  Jana, just as tense as I, asked where we were heading.

"Please just trust me."

I just concentrated on driving, with a heading for Big O Tires.  When we got there they were closed already.  It was now 10 minutes before 6:00 and I was concerned about making it to a store where I could take care of the van.  I headed for Schuck's Auto Parts.  As I pulled into the store it was just about 6:00, but they were open.  Jana and Arielle stayed in the van with it running while I ventured inside.

On the driver's side of the windshield there is a low area directly in front of the line of vision.  It has always been hard to find wipers that can actually clear the driver's side of the windshield.  I presented my concern to the middle-aged clerk and he recommended a high end (read "expensive") solution.  I was skeptical of the blade but he was sure it would solve the problem.

I bought the blades and headed out to the car to try them out before leaving the store.  With increasingly freezing fingers I opened the fool-proof packaging of the wiper blades, removed the old ones (how come I can never remember exactly how those cursed things come off) and slipped the new blades into place.  After I got both blades on I got into the car and turned on the wipers.

Swish. Streak. Swish. Streak. With a steady, wet snowfall the new wiper blades left a worse streak than the old ones.  I went inside to get the clerk to show him the problem.  After bundling up he kindly accompanied me outside and now understood the problem.

"Let me get a pair of pliers."

You've got to be kidding.  You want to bend something, thinking that might fix it?  At least, that's what I thought.  I didn't say anything.  Jana and Arielle, meanwhile, stayed in the warm van without a complaint or comment.

Back into the store I went to look at the wiper blade assortment again.  Soon the clerk came back in also.  We tried a different style, then he started figuring out the paperwork to credit me for the difference as he now agreed that the most expensive blades in the store wouldn't do the trick.

"Would it be all right if I gave you the difference back in cash?"

You bet.  Especially after the original bill swelled to $140 with two full sets of chains.  (They say that with a front wheel drive vehicle you need to put the chains on the front AND the rear for safety.  To his credit my clerk had suggested that only one set on the front would be necessary, but I went ahead a bought two anyway.)

Back into the arctic I headed with the new blades, my clerk joining me.  We took the old new blades off and put the new new blades on, again losing feeling in my fingers.  I had found a stocking cap in the back of the van so at least the snow quit falling on my bald spot.

I moved back to the driver's side of the car and turned on the blades.  Swish. Swish. Swish. Swish.  Perfectly clean and clear.  Yay!

I thanked my patient clerk and got in the car to head for home.  The detour and the stop at the auto parts store kept us out for nearly an extra hour.  But I started to feel the knot in my stomach ease a bit, feeling that I was as prepared as possible for a snowy trip to Rexburg in the morning.

That whole time, while I paraded back and forth to the car, trying out wiper blades, Jana and Arielle sat patiently in the car.  As we drove home I thanked them both for their kindness in waiting so long when I knew they'd just like to get home where it was safe and warm and dry, and to keep packing.  Arielle did mention that Jana had found the "evil toy" in her coat pocket which kept her occupied playing solitaire.  Even so, it was a very loving thing, from both Jana and Arielle, to patiently wait while I tried to make sure we had everything that would make me feel secure for tomorrow's drive.

Epilog

As I type this post I here voices and foot steps running back and forth between Arielle's bedroom, the TV room and the living room.  "Arielle, did you pack your ...?"  "Mom, where's my ...?"  They must be getting close because I also hear the sound of the tape gun sealing boxes.

Another 40 minutes and it will be 2010: a new year and a new life, for Arielle and for Jana and I.  What an adventure!
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IF YOU WOULD, PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO COMMENT ON ONE OF THE LOVING THINGS, SMALL OR GRAND, THAT YOU HAVE RECEIVED FROM SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU.

A Talking Hand

After a busy Sunday we had a young single adult fireside this evening.  Our speaker was Elder J. Craig Rowe, a member of the Quorum of the Seventy - a leader in our church.  Six years ago he served as our Stake President and I got to work fairly closely with him for a couple years.  He has also been a client of mine professionally.  (I even bought my lawnmower from him.  He was buying a new riding mower and sold me his Toro, which I've used now for 6 years.)

My after-church interviews were finished a little earlier today than they have been lately so I was home by 5:00.  I actually got to eat dinner with my family and then read a little before leaving for the 7:00 fireside.

The fireside was very enjoyable and I appreciated Elder Rowe's informal remarks and counsel.  It's always good to visit with him for a few minutes.

During the fireside Jana slipped her hand, palm down, just under my thigh and wiggled her fingers.  It's a little thing ... just a touch.  But it says a lot.  It says, "Hey, I'm here.  I like you.  I'm sitting next to you and want you to know that.  I am at peace.  God is in His heaven and all is right with the universe ... and all is right with me."

I think every couple develops their own simple ways of touching or nonverbally communicating contentment, love and peace.  This is just one of hers.  It is a loving thing.  It lets me know she's at peace in our relationship – that she loves me.  And that's always nice.
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IF YOU WOULD, PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO COMMENT ON ONE OF THE LOVING THINGS, SMALL OR GRAND, THAT YOU HAVE RECEIVED FROM SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU.

Don't Die Before Your Body Expires

Every once in awhile life asserts itself to let us know that we are not really owners of our mortal lives.  Rather we are merely leasing our time on earth.

My brother-in-law, my friend, Noel, passed away two days ago after a three day affliction where his body simply started to shut down.  Having suffered with muscular dystrophy for the past 8 years his actual passing had to offer him intense relief, even though that is not what caused his death.

Noel is one of those rare individuals blessed with unending compassion, kindness and love.  His was the gift of acceptance: of accepting others where they were, but leaving them elevated to a new place of hope and possibility.

Times like these snap our attention to those things that matter most; the pettiness that the majority of our waking hours are concerned with slip temporarily away as we ponder our own mortality.

In the midst of the goings and comings of the past couple days – the normal busyness that characterizes our current life – Jana and I found a moment to sit on the couch together for a few minutes last night.  We sat huddled at one end taking up occupancy to only 2 1/2' of our 6' couch.  Without looking up she quietly said, "Don't die."

Though we don't know the allotted days of our mortal probation we do have a choice over the quality, if not the quantity, of our lives.  The key seems to be the realization that we don't have much control over the things that act upon us.  But we have absolute control over how we respond to them.

Far too many people will die this year ... long before their bodies expire.  They will die to adventure, to improvement, to learning, to serving, to contributing, to laughing, to dancing, to giving, to love.  And the truly sad thing is that many of these deaths will be suicides.  In Jana's quiet plea, "Don't die", she was sounding from the oceans-deep floor of her soul her most loving thing.  She was saying, "Let's continue laughing, learning, singing, dancing, serving, giving, living and loving for a very long time.

I promise her I will continue living every day. I promise I will not die before my body expires.  I promise I will not die at all but will continue laughing, learning, singing, dancing, serving, giving, living and loving long after my body has been discarded for not keeping up with my spirit.  I promise I will continue living and loving her eternally.
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IF YOU WOULD, PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO COMMENT ON ONE OF THE LOVING THINGS, SMALL OR GRAND, THAT YOU HAVE RECEIVED FROM SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU.