Salmon-Chanted Evening

My Sunday schedules are pretty simple.  I"m out the door around 8:00 am, not particularly early, and try to be home by 6:00.  Two Sundays a month I continue on until 9:00 pm before getting home.  I try to have a good breakfast before leaving in the morning then have a light dinner when I get home.

Jana celebrates the weekend by often staying up late Saturday night and, since our actual church meetings don't start until 1:00 pm, sleeping in.  I'll wake her up to have a morning prayer with her, give her a "morning kiss" (no 7-second kisses before 8:00 am) then head out the door.

At church I will generally see her and give her a squeeze between meetings.  "Good morning" I'll offer, a quick kiss and then move on.

The pattern is just slightly different on the first Sunday of the month which we call "Fast Sunday" – that would be "Fast" as in no eating after dinner Saturday evening until Sunday evening, not "Fast" as in quick.

Yesterday being Fast Sunday I was hungry by the time I got home but there was purpose behind my fast and there were a number of specific issues on my mind that I was absorbed with.  When I got home I went in and gave Jana a hug and told her I was glad to be home.  But I didn't linger as I had a number of things yet to follow up on and phone calls that needed to be made before the evening slipped away.

As I was sitting at my desk making calls Jana slipped in.

"I have some salmon thawed.  Would you like some?"

That sounded wonderful so I said, yes.  About 2o minutes later she came back in.

"Dinner's ready for you on the table."

I finished up and went in and there was a lovely salmon, potato and salad dinner waiting for me.  This, I suppose, doesn't sound momentous, but since Jana gets home from church a couple hours before I do we don't have dinner on Sunday evening.  When I get home I just fix something light and quick.  This was a special expression of love from her, truly a loving thing.  It was purely selfless since she had already had dinner a couple hours earlier.

It just felt like such a sweet kindness and I enjoyed every morsel.  Kindness is always romantic.  Kindness is always a loving thing. 

After my dinner I told Jana I had a "home evening" I wanted to prepare.  I brought the laptop computer into the bedroom along with my desktop speakers, plugged them in, then we listened for the next two hours to an interview of Dallin Oaks and his wife, Kristen.  What fun to just end the evening together.

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Kung Pau Camel

It's been a busy day, capping a busy week.  The day started with cleaning the church, followed by a list of projects (including mowing my lawn for the first time this year) that's kept Jana and I moving in asynchronous circles.

Just before leaving for a baptism service this evening I said to Jana,

"Can we do something tonight?"

"Yes. What did you have in mind?"

"How about doing something where we can just talk?  I don't feel like we've had any connection time this week."

I then suggested the Jade Garden restaurant and she readily agreed. I told her we'd go as soon as I got home.

When I got home from the baptism Jana was in watching the basketball game between West Virginia and Kentucky that would decide who went to the Final Four of March Madness.  (West Virginia, the underdog, ended up winning by 7.)  I went straight to the bedroom where I changed clothes.  I didn't want to wear a suit and tie but I still wanted to look nice.  I put my coat on, grabbed the checkbook and went into the TV room and said,

"I'm ready to go."

The significance of my getting ready, including having the keys in hand, is important as, in past history, I have been known to say, "Let's go" then take another 20 minutes changing clothes, shutting house windows and locking doors.  That tends to test Jana's patience.  So I wanted to be ready to walk out the door before I made my appearance.

We just prattled on the way to the restaurant.  When we got there and got our buffet Chinese meals we sat and prattled some more.  About Jana's work.  About Chanel's upcoming birthday.  About summer vacation.  About a slumber party Jana wants to have with Chanel.  About the wonderful weekend Jana spent with her sisters last week.  About our adventures of the day.   About everything.  About nothing.

It took us an hour and a half to just sit and eat and not eat and talk.

Jana's love language is quality time.  That means "being" and "doing" together.  No distractions.  No other interests.  Just the moment and the time.  When you think of it, it's really amazing that quality time doesn't really take that much time at all.  It takes attentiveness.  It takes hearing.  It takes sharing.  And I find it interesting that such a simple loving thing can so fully replenish our relationship. It's like giving a camel a little time to eat and drink, after which he can go for days with otherwise meager refueling.

Seems to me to be a pretty good investment of time.  So, as I sit here this evening, Jana is back in the TV room, now watching the news, and I sit here, jotting down a few lines.  And I feel replenished.

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IF YOU WOULD, PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO COMMENT ON ONE OF THE LOVING THINGS, SMALL OR GRAND, THAT YOU HAVE RECEIVED FROM SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU.

Something Up My Sleeve

A couple evenings ago I was at the church involved in some meetings.  In a break I was in the stake clerk's office and the stake president (my ecclesiastical leader) and I were chatting over some issues involving my congregation.

I have a tendency to speak with my hands.  At one point in our conversation I happened to notice my left hand.  There appeared to be something protruding from my sleeve.  As I looked down it also caught the attention of the stake president.

I reached over, capturing it with my fingertips.  The conversation stopped as we both watched in curiosity, as if a magician were revealing a silk handkerchief, as I pulled out . . . a dryer sheet.  How I managed to put my newly washed shirt on without finding or feeling it I have no idea.

Even so, in spite of the good laugh we had, it was a sweet reminder of how Jana thoughtfully keeps me supplied with clean white shirts, all three of them.  I consider it to be a sweet and loving thing.  I am so grateful for her care and her loving service.

Note:  Jana just interrupted me as she found a spider on the kitchen counter.  I don't even need the point she offered.  I would think clean white shirts to far exceed any number of spider exterminations.

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IF YOU WOULD, PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO COMMENT ON ONE OF THE LOVING THINGS, SMALL OR GRAND, THAT YOU HAVE RECEIVED FROM SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU.

Hard Things Can Be Loving Things Too

For my entire adult life I have worked with youth.  Through church assignments, Boy Scouting or community involvement my life's work seems to be lifting and building youth.  My only qualifications would seem to be that I still have bouts with acne and I still have not fully relinquished my hold on my adolescence.

Prior to my calling as the bishop of a young single adult congregation I served the youth in my church overseeing the activities and the adult and youth leaders of eight church congregations.  I was also serving in the Boy Scouting program as a district leader providing training and support for 238 Scouting units (Cub Scout Packs, Boy Scout Troops, Varsity Teams and Venturing Crews) with a commissioner staff of over 90 volunteers and a "Roundtable" training staff of 12 trainers.  Not knowing what the demands would be in my new calling I backed off in my activity with the Scouting program.

In many ways my focus in my current calling as bishop has simplified my life.  It has also given me a great blessing of faith and strength that I could not have foreseen I would need in meeting the needs of energetic, searching, testing, hopeful young single adults as well heart-deep concerns for the evolving dynamics and personal, educational and spiritual struggles of my family.

However, I still get calls and feel the yearning tugs of purpose-driven desires to contribute to a larger circle of influence using what talents or knowledge I have nurtured over my life.  In December I was asked if I would serve as the master of ceremonies for the kick-off assembly for the 100 year anniversary of the Boy Scouting movement to be conducted on the state capitol steps the first Saturday in February.  I called on long-time friend, Lawrence Wasden, Attorney General of the State of Idaho, to address the crowd of uniformed Boy Scouts and their leaders that spilled out into the road in front of the capitol building.  The event was a success and the warm expressions of appreciation were self-satisfying.

Recently, a friend in the stake or region in which I live had asked if I'd help with training for the leaders of 11-year-old boys.  It would not be a huge affair but would entail a Friday evening and Saturday morning commitment with marginal preparation on my part.  I would love to.  But before doing so my personal commitment to Jana is to discuss it with her to gain her support and request her feedback.

I asked Jana over breakfast this morning.  It is easy to read Jana's opinions at times.  Being a drama major for her Associates Degree, she doesn't tend to hide her feelings.  But her verbal response was brief.

"Once they hear you are available for Scouting programs again the phone won't stop ringing."

As I had brought the subject up at the conclusion of breakfast, this was Jana's only comment before her getting up to finish getting ready for work.

I sat and finished my breakfast, torn a bit between two priorities: my life's purpose in working with youth and my eternal purpose in building a celestial relationship with Jana.  In black and white the decision seems obvious.  But, when you mix it with the feelings of emotion and satisfaction and purpose and contribution and praise and pride, it becomes a little harder to balance.  Life's decisions are not always between good and bad.  In fact, I believe the defining decisions that will make the greatest eternal difference will be the decisions between good and good.  They will be the decisions that not only reveal our hearts, but our true desires.

As Jana readied herself for work I didn't feel I understood her real core position. I knew the "what", but I didn't know the "why".  As I continued to sit, finishing my breakfast (I'm a slow breakfast finisher) she came back in and sat down.

"When are you going to get the computers sold?  When are you going to get the dozen things done you say you need to in order to get our business on solid ground?  When will you find the time to help me with the few things I need, like the visual aids for my Relief Society speech?

"To me, your extracurricular activities mean distraction, postponing other needed things; it means time taken away from your work; it means competition for your attention.

"The bishopric means focus; it means balance; it means peace."

"You can choose if you want to help out with that program, but once people learn you are available the calls won't stop."

Now I knew the "why" – the core-deep perceptions that I needed to know.  The "whats" give us a position.  The "whys" give us meaning.

A number of years ago I needed to make a business decision whether or not to hire a young man.  I went back and forth in my mind, trying to justify the expense, the risk, and the dynamic changes it would necessitate.  In the course of my decision making I decided to fast and then went to a place I consider sacred; a place where I could get the insight, the inspiration I needed to make a decision.

I thought long and hard on the matter but soon found a peace settle over me, absorbing the spirit of the experience.  It was then, when my mind was calmed and not pushing, that the clear revelation came.

"Kevin, the 'right' decision is the one you and Jana make together.  The actual decision isn't important; the important thing is how you make it."

Sometimes loving things are hard things.  I needed to know Jana's "whys".  I needed to see her perspective; to see the issue through her eyes.  If I had fixated on the "what" I could very easily become defensive and missed the quiet "I love you" hidden in the "why".

I have absolute faith in Jana's love for me; in her desire that our relationship continue to grow, not only in time, but through eternity.  If I can just manage to keep that faith – no, by now in our relationship I guess it's no longer faith; time and experience have turned my faith in her love into a sure knowledge – if I can just manage to keep that fact fixed in my heart I know I will have the power and the purpose to listen carefully and choose well.

Photos courtesy the Idaho Statesman

http://www.idahostatesman.com/2010/02/09/1073054/scouts-throw-a-birthday-party.html 

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Shoe Strings and Frozen Beans

Saturdays seem to be a premium around here.  With life being what it is it seems I get about two Saturdays a month to actually get things done on my personal list.  Everything has a season and I suppose the day will come when I wish I had something someone wanted me to do on a Saturday.  But for now, they're a little rare.

Of late Jana has been complaining of foot pain from her daily walking exercise.  Actually it's not from her walking; that actually takes her mind off the foot pain.  But her feet have been hurting her.  During the week I saw an ad in the newspaper from Big 5 Sporting Goods that had some walking shoes by Dr. Scholl's, a company known for its footcare products.  (A not so terribly interesting aside: when Jana and I were dating, my first post-mission job was at Big 5 Sporting Goods in California.)

Saturday morning I suggested we have a morning date so after she had showered we headed off for Big 5.  It is nearly legendary how little Jana likes shopping, but she was excited that morning.

Before we headed to the sporting goods store we made a stop at "Cash 'n Carry", a restaurant grocery supply store that we like to shop at periodically.  This stop was just for me.  We went to buy some frozen vegetables, which I eat a lot of.  For $8 we were able to buy two week's of vegetables.  (Did I mention our food budget has dramatically dropped since Arielle went to school?)

We got to the store and found the sale shoes.  They were regularly $70 and were on sale for $29.95.  At first we were concerned as they didn't have what Jana thought was her size.  She went ahead and tried on a pair that were half a size larger than she thought she was, but they fit like Cinderella's glass slippers.

At my insistence she walked around the store for awhile to make sure they didn't have any sore spots (she just wanted to buy 'n go).  Then we bought them.  The shoes she's been wearing are athletic shoes she bought with my son's help about 12 years ago.  By now the support is shot.

After we got home Jana put them on and wore them around the house as she went about her chores.  Later that afternoon she headed for the Rec Center for her 8 lap walk.  When she came home she pronounced the shoe-shopping date a success.

I'm finding I love spending time with Jana – doing just normal, unhurried things – more and more all the time.  Her love language is "Quality Time".  As we headed home from Big 5 she said, "This qualifies as 'love'.  Definitely three points."  Quality Time = a loving thing.  For both of us.

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IF YOU WOULD, PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO COMMENT ON ONE OF THE LOVING THINGS, SMALL OR GRAND, THAT YOU HAVE RECEIVED FROM SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU.

Pizza and Brownie Romance

I have a special group of men with whom I work in my church service.  Lately, I've felt I wanted to build our bonds a little closer, not just among ourselves but with our wives as well, so Sunday, at the close of our early morning meeting, I asked them if they would like a cheap date Friday night.  I invited them to come to our home, with their wives, just for a relaxed evening of gobble and gab.

This is not something I do very lightly. And for good reason.

When Jana and I had been married for just a short time I sat in church one Sunday and in our men's organization meeting they asked for volunteers to bring a couple dozen cookies for a party.  I had a pre-conception of what "oneness" in marriage meant.  I grew up seeing my mother volunteer for things that would require major participation from my father, knowing that my Dad would absolutely back her up with whatever help she needed.  I also saw my Dad volunteer for things that would require my mother's help.  They seemed to know that marriage was a partnership and I assumed that was just the way it was, giving no thought as to how it got there.

When I came home and announced to Jana that I had volunteered (her) to bring a couple dozen cookies to the party her response defined one facet of our evolving marriage.

"Well, you'd better make sure you have all the ingredients and give yourself enough time to get them done."

That response really caused a major shift in my internal understanding of what "being one" in marriage meant.  It felt like I actually heard an audible "CRACK" in the time-space continuum.  It took some time (meaning years) to redefine for myself what "oneness" in my marriage meant.

From that experience I learned, early on, that I do not volunteer Jana; she has her own voice and it is alto, not tenor.  More than once in our marriage this has caused a quizzical look or even a question when the uninitiated ventured to ask, "Do you think your wife would offer a prayer/bake a pie/bring a casserole to this or that event?"  My practiced response would invariably be,

"I don't know.  Why don't you ask her?"

When I invited my colleagues and their spouses over for this Friday I knew exactly what it meant: it was up to me to plan and organize the evening.  When I told her what I had done it was not with the intent to ask her to do anything other than to look forward to an enjoyable evening.

Monday was our regular weekly "home evening" at the church and we had a dinner.  The young men were serving and had planned the dinner for the young women in our singles ward and it was a fun evening.  My part was to bake the potatoes for a potato bar plus make two cobblers.  I didn't bother telling Jana what I had volunteered for so when she got home from work the foil wrapped potatoes were already baked and were keeping hot in the insulated carrier and the cobblers were in the oven.

Because I need to be at the church a little earlier and tend to stay a little later than Jana, she and I arrive in two cars each Monday evening.  When I got home shortly after 10:00 we were chatting before going to bed.  Then Jana mentioned,

"I talked to the wives about Friday night and we're going to have pizza.  Debbie will bring her famous brownies and Dee will bring a drink.  We can probably just eat on our laps in the living room rather than trying to fit eight people in our little dining room."

Now, to many, this may not seem like a huge thing, but to me this was truly a loving thing.  I was planning on taking care of the preparation and in no way wanted to impose on Jana's time commitments.  But I do admit it lifts a self-imposed burden from my preparation for the evening.

Jana has taught me over the years that when I do things that lighten her load and ease her burden this means "romance" to her.  I'm now beginning to understand because this week pizza and brownies, eaten on your lap, in the company of friends is as romantic as dinner served with fine china, soft music and candlelight.  And the bonus is that the romance will last all week long.
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IF YOU WOULD, PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO COMMENT ON ONE OF THE LOVING THINGS, SMALL OR GRAND, THAT YOU HAVE RECEIVED FROM SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU.